i don't plan on having that self control this summer
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
