Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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