Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I did not marry a roomba.
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