peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
