Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
