I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
