I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
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so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
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There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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