peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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