i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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