the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
