Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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