He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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