community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
