Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
