Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
