stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
