The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
