The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
