I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
