sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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