morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
