hotel room ftw
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
