Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
