I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
