sarcasm needs its own font
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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