Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
