i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
