Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
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If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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