things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
