this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
