I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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