glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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