Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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