Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
