doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
