He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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