1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
