My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
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