I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
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Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
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Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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