just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
