i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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