My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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