So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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