Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
