I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
