I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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