I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
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