Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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