ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Congratulations! We have a period
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
