respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I want a musical about memes.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
