yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
