I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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