Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
