So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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